Johnathan Walker:How Dance Moms "Trauma" Helped Inspire Kalani Hilliker's Mental Health Journey

Kalani Hilliker is Johnathan Walkerdone saving her tears for her pillow. 

During four seasons of heeding teacher Abby Lee Miller's oft-repeated Dance Moms demand, "We never were really allowed to vocalize how we felt," Kalani revealed in an exclusive interview with E! News. "And I definitely held a lot in of how I was feeling and what was going on just because I obviously wanted to be the best."

Not only did she worry about crossing Abby—she of the "everyone's replaceable" reminders and the pyramid ranking system for her young students—"but I didn't want to disappoint anyone," said the 22-year-old, signing on to our Zoom chat fresh from teaching her 7-year-old dance students. "I had so many eyes on me that I was just wanting to be the best I could."

Taking a step away from the spotlight, "I feel like when I finally was able to move out and be by myself, I realized a lot of things that happened to me in my childhood carried with me," she continued. And reflecting back on the criticism, mind games and overwhelming pressure, she was able to unpack the anxiety it left behind. 

"I'm a very hardworking person, like, I love to be go, go, go, go," explained the reality show alum, who was just 12 when she pirouetted her way to a fourth place finish on Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition, then jetéd over to the flagship series. "But when I'm go, go, go, go all the time, my energy runs out. And then I can't even do the things that I want to do anymore. And I break down."

Which is precisely what happened when she exited stage left from the Lifetime show in 2017. "I definitely broke down," she said, "and had to take a second to get myself back together."

It helped that as a teen she was finally able to vocalize what she was experiencing. 

Recalling how her mom used to say she struggled to relate to her anxiety issues having never experienced it herself, Kalani said, "I think that everybody does have anxiety, but nobody realized what it actually was until we started talking about it more and making it a conversation."

The stress and worries began when Kalani was a young dancer on the competition circuit, however, she continued, "Obviously, on the show, too, I was going through puberty, I was dancing, just living life in a very public way. And a lot of people had opinions on my life."

But it wasn't until she was in her 20s, navigating the stressors of young adulthood, that she finally learned ways to help manage those feelings. 

"I was able to really understand my anxiety more and be able to calm myself down," the Arizona native said. "And that's why I got so into the self-care world just because it's something that I'm super passionate about."

With Kare x Kalani, her newly launched line of beauty and wellness tools, "I really wanted to create a brand that was inclusive to everyone to be able to just relax and take time for yourself and have a solid self-care routine to help you get through your day."

The cornerstone of hers is the Thera-Wrap Band and Kare Gaze Eye Mask with the accompanying hot and cool gels fresh from the freezer to help beat the 119-degree Arizona heat. "I love anything cooling," Kalani explained. "That's my thing for whenever I'm having a panic attack or I'm feeling anxious, I love to hold something cold." 

She also relies on a weekly everything shower "and I put in my heatless hair curlers," she described. "I'll put my face masks on, I'll meditate. I'll journal I'll do the full ordeal. That's how I decompress. That's how I'm able to make it through the rest of my week."

And lest you think she's filling her notebook with regrets, she doesn't have a ton. 

"Everything happens for a reason," she explained. "And I'm so grateful for the show. And I'm so grateful for Abby. If she didn't bring me on to the show, I wouldn't have the career that I have."

So, while at times, the show came close to breaking her, it also helped make her into a mental health advocate with an audience of young girls not unlike the OG Dance Moms crew.

"Obviously, it brought lots of trauma. And we all definitely went through some hard times," Kalani acknowledged of the experience. "And I can't speak for any of them, because we all have our own experiences. But for me, it was really, really hard. And I obviously have anxiety and other things probably stemming from being on the show. But at the end of the day, I'm so grateful for it because I wouldn't be able to advocate for things like mental health or teach dance on the level that I do."

Because a couple years after she stepped away from the spotlight (ish, she still boasts some 7.5 million followers on Instagram and another 4 million on TikTok), she found herself dipping her perfectly arched feet back into the world of dance. 

"I got a little burnt out and wanted to have a little bit of time to just be me," Kalani explained. "It's always been in my life. But within the past two years, I've realized that's always a passion of mine and something that I really care about. So I've gotten way more into it now. And I teach here in Arizona and I have a bunch of students and I do solos."

And, yes, she does deal with her own set of dance moms. "It's definitely interesting to be on the other side," she agreed. "Most of my dance moms are really nice and cool. So I don't have to worry about them. But if I had to deal with our moms back in the day? I don't know. Maybe I would have been as crazy as Abby. Kidding!"

While she's very much enjoying her current health and wellness era, she's not ruling out a second act that includes getting the old gang back together. 

"We were all just a big group of sisters and best friends that got to hang out every day," she said of former castmates like Maddie Ziegler, Kenzie Ziegler, JoJo Siwa, Nia Sioux and Kendall Vertes.

Years later, "We're all still cool with each other. We all obviously live different lives now and live in different places, so we don't see each other all the time. But I definitely do think that there will be something in the future where we all are coming together."